A Postpartum Battle

Psalm 89:1 NKJV I will sing of the mercies of the LORD forever; With my mouth will I make known Your faithfulness to all generations.

God. Is. Faithful. He is faithful to protect. He is faithful to provide. He is faithful to heal. He is faithful to restore. And He is faithful to never leave. God has been slowly revealing this to me as I deal with attacks from the enemy. As most of you know I recently had a baby. Joshua Alexander Brock was born March 2, 2016, and he has been such a blessing to my husband and I. In preparing for this amazing child to be born I had to cease my studies at CFNI and move back to the place my husband and I met. CFNI was my dream, and still is, but as I left the campus I left more than an empty apartment, I left my dreams there.. I lost my passion to sing and I lost the excitement to go to the nations to abolish human trafficking and work with the victimized and abused children. I slowly started to move into a state of depression without realizing it. I haven’t even really sang to my son and when people would tell me I should, I would just laugh and go on about my day. People always say when you leave CFNI to resume normal life things are completely different and I can testify to that. I went from worship every morning and being poured into at LEAST 4 hours a day to nothing. Now as Joe and I start to get back into church I was offered a position on a worship team I had sang on once previously. God right then and there restored my passion for singing again. I want to praise God with my voice again, I want to sing for fun, and I want to sing for my son again it will just be a process to get there.

(SIDE NOTE: To those of you still studying at CFNI words of advice from me to you are- Once you leave and graduate be in the word daily be around people who will build you up or that passion, that fire you once had at school WILL die.)

The day I left that campus and the covering of protection it gave me, Satan began to attack my family. The day my son was born could have very well been the day he died. I didn’t hear that first cry that is music to most mothers ears instead I saw a baby who was dark blue and to me appeared to be dead. The umbilical cord was wrapped tightly once around my little miracles throat. The reason we chose the name Joshua was because of its meaning. Joshua means Yahweh Is Salvation. God showed himself faithful as the doctor quickly cut the corrd and got his neck free. God protected my newborn son. He was in the nursery for a few days to recover and get fluid out of his lungs but now he is a healthy 4 and a half week old miracle.

My recovery has been one full of many struggles and lots of pain. Emotionally, having a child took its toll on me. Many people would blame God but I know God would never have wanted me to go through this. I am battling postpartum depression. Most days I overcome but some days it gets the better of me. Having beat depression before I can tell you this is a completely different experience. Postpartum Depression cannot be hidden. When you are emotionally breaking down, you are physically breaking down. I hate being left home alone. I just hate feeling depressed again. BUT the good thing is… if Joe is at work I am not alone. God is here. God never left me even though at times I feel like He has. God is right there willing to comfort me and I find peace in knowing that. Yes, at times it is harder to come to that realization but eventually I do. I know that God is healing this hormone imbalance as I type this and as you read this. I was told by someone dealing with the same exact thing as me, “This isn’t just something you can pray away!” My question is why isn’t it? How can you pray away cancer, something that will physically kill someone, but you can’t pray away a hormone imbalance?? What makes postpartum depression so big and bad? Yes, it is hard and a lot harder than regular depression but it is not impossible to beat. God didn’t say we wouldn’t be attacked by the darkness of this age, and spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places, in fact He says the very opposite.. He has even given us armor to protect us from it. Depression is real but MY GOD IS REAL AND HE IS FAITHFUL TO HEAL.

God may not have wanted me to go through this but I will use this to proclaim how he has been FAITHFUL in my life and how He continues to be faithful to my family.