It has been one year since I held my son for the first time and the mom guilt is beginning to sink in. I feel guilty for feelings and situations that I had no control over. I was robbed of the first six months of my son’s life, the squishy stage as I like to call it. Those months are all a blur to me and it hurts. It hurts only having pictures and stories of my son’s birth but very little memory of what happened while I was in the hospital. It hurts not remembering the first time he rolled over. It hurts only remembering the pain and exhaustion that overtook my body those first months. It hurts seeing the pictures and how much he has grown but only recalling memories from six months old until now, and even in that time frame some memories are a blur.
If you were to ask me about those first months of my sons life I would describe them in these four words, angry, frustrated, scared, and tired.