Don’t Let Go.. (A Postpartum Battle cont’d)

Song of Solomon 3:4 NKJV ..When I found the one I love, I held him and would not let him go..

Hey everyone, I know that it has been a while since I have written anything but I have been going through a rough patch. It seemed as though I was losing my battle with postpartum depression. I couldn’t sleep. I became angry at everyone, my husband, my son, myself, etc. for no reason. I had more bad nights than good. It was becoming harder and harder to snap out of it. My husband and son would be asleep peacefully and I would be in bed next to them weeping because of how much of a failure I felt like. All I want is for them to be happy and Satan was telling me that I couldn’t be the one to do that.

I stopped reading my bible and having personal time with God. Even though I was drained that was a big mistake. In making that mistake I allowed that depression to overwhelm me even more to the point where not only was I being fed lies about myself but I had demons telling and almost convincing me nightly to end it all. It led to the first fight in my marriage. (Joe and I have been married since January 31, 2015)  I felt so disconnected to my son. I wanted nothing to do with him and I didn’t know why.

It’s okay to get help, whether it be going to therapy or even being put on meds. I just recently talked to my OB/GYN and got put on some antidepressants. I’m not sure how I feel about them. When I take it I immediately get exhausted and sometimes even dizzy, but I haven’t had a break down since I’ve started them. I’m on the fence about if I should stay on them or stop because, even though I am not feeling depressed, I sleep until 3pm daily and don’t feel like getting anything done. I can’t be the wife I want to be while on these meds. (A Proverbs 31 wife. Woot! Woot!) My advice to you is if you get help make sure it’s not doing more harm than good.

The scripture I chose to start this post means two very different things to me.

The first meaning is-

When you find God, whatever you do, don’t let Him go. Cling to Him because at times your life really does depend on it. Under His covering you are guaranteed to win whatever battle you are facing. He is there to protect you and love you no matter what comes your way. There are times where I can feel His presence so thick that it feels like He is holding me. There are times where I don’t feel him at all but when those times hit I mustn’t let go and I must pursue Him even harder.

The second meaning is-

Even if at first your husband doesn’t understand what you are going through, he will eventually come around, or at least in my case he did. Don’t let this destroy your marriage. Hold on no matter what words are said or how hard things get. You vowed to be together in sickness and until death (forever and always and always forever in my case), so hold on. Don’t go to bed angry at each other. If you do it will ruin your next day if you let it. Cling to your husband in this hard time. He needs you just as much as you need him.

I know that this may seem like a period of darkness that will never end or maybe, like me, you see the light but then it all goes dark again but eventually it has to end. If you are clinging to God you will eventually emerge victorious. So please no matter how hard it gets or whatever lies you are being plagued with don’t let go, don’t give up. If you need someone please reach out. I am so thankful for the family and friends that I have who will encourage me through this trying time in my life. If you don’t have that support wherever you are please feel free to reach out to me.